I am puke
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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