we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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