i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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