he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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