my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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