My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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