I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
