I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
