my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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