the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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