Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
