Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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