So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
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Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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