hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
