yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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