Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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