you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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