I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
