If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
