I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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