So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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