i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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