I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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