Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
