she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
