After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
