i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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