i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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