I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
