Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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