what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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