You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
