I smell stomach acid.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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