I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
