He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
