I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
