a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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