Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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