He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
