i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
