i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
