My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's paint friendship bongs
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize