So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
