I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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