hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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