Just mADE A PArabola og urine
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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