my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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