just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You made out with two different species that night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
