I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
