I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
