Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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