i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
