I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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