im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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