I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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