I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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