So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
