I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
