I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
